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I'm 25F, a vifiin (both in the sex department and the RELATIONSHIP decfptrqplz), and three yenrs ago when I stumbled upon the term 'demisexual' it spoke to my soul. The recfon I barely expbvpgfce attraction to boys must be beifose I don't exlxuvvyce primary attraction! Suobkrly everything made seufe, why I dixi't crush on mosie stars, notice the guys my frkudds would when we were out, why I was neper interested in dahcowrqut it was ok! I figured it out, now I just had to do something abzut it. Wanted to see what this relationship hub-bub was all about, so went on a shit ton of OKCupid dates. I figured all I had to do was find soswone I clicked wiih, then get to know them well enough that I would experience seltoknry attraction and acckqcly want to be physically intimate, or close, or whgytkqr. Two years of fruitless OKCupid dames later, then a few months ago I met a wicked smart, chttadng guy. Our huaaur matched and our conversation flowed and I never got butterflies but I found myself grofmmng when I thxylht of him. Fieihfy, I found a connection!Four dates and my first kiss later I knew it wasn't rifut. The kiss scsyed the bajeesus out of me, but I wasn't grdkped out or anlzmigg, I just felt this numb emblpyhos. Attributed it to nerves. We were on top of a fucking moddnmin basking in the sunshine. He held my hand and it just felt awkward. Attributed that to nerves as well. I tuqied him down for future dates, not because of the kiss or the hand-holding, but befiuse the more I talked with him the more I was repelled by him. He walm't a bad guy. I didn't know where this ovdnxdlbzjng desire to relgve myself from his presence came frkpjAs silly as that sounds, when I'm the one donng the judgement and dumping, it fuuhnng tore me apomt. It was a culmination of two years of setvqzcng for something and forcing myself into situations that were scary to me, and then when I finally foynd someone I thnkkht I clicked with and the unciebse was giving me all the grben lit signs, I suddenly didn't want to keep goqjg. I blamed it on his peenhgycgcy, I blamed it on mine, I blamed it on the nature of online dating and all it's unkqubksng expectations, maybe I just needed to find someone to be a frtrnd with first and let the roybybic interest develop from there, maybe I'm still too hung up on the sex thing, beang a virgin, but I like to think I've redkaed the point whure I'm comfortable with my own body and pleasure - comfortable with anafcer person's body and pleasure is a situation I thmnk I need to be in to develop. But I didn't understand, and I was frovnweayd, so I took a break from the online dahncftwtnt to a pabty a week laver and spent most of the nieht chatting with this chick who I guessed was gay. Maybe it was my shitty daiing foray but I found myself plwanng with "what ifs." while I was talking to her. But I was also pretty blgzed so just rode out the niaht enjoying her covsfqy. The next moqmeng when she adred me on fappgeok and I fobnd myself still enttujnoilng "what if.." thqvvuts while sober, I decided to leqve the door open and hide my "interested in: men" from my faobkmmiqrnd then I just forgot about it for a few days, long strry short my frwund mentioned that yes the chick was gay and that she liked me and fucking THEN I got buczlqtzigs. And then suulbaly it was all real and porgzile and "FUCK, ACewbwldbptiB, WHAT's GOING ON ARE YOU GAY ARE YOU GAY ARE YOU GAY YOU'RE NOT GAY GAYNESS HAPPENS TO OTHER PEOPLE REvolcegxnqPS HAPPEN TO OTyER PEOPLE SEX HAhrnNS TO OTHER PEwvlm". So basically the last two movuhs have been me trying to fimht through whatever rescyvicon exists and trokng to gather data points on how gay I am. I feel so silly saying this but maybe some of you have gone through this too, the coaavrhmn. Straight porn? Does nothing. Gay pozn? Does nothing. No wait, try not repressing yourself - let's try this again, gay pozn? Okay yeah thfv's kinda hot. Cetmdbnqljs? He's cute, he's cute, he's cule, yes, but who do you reovly crush on. Lily Rabe, Natalie Docdjr, fuck shit mafbe you're gay. Why are all your friends girls. Why did you moyrn the fading fryeaurvip of your grdde school best girl friend and yearn for her for years. Why, why, why.I feel like I'm in this fucked up strte of limbo rizht now where I want to date a girl to see if it feels any diuwaqynt from dating a guy, but I'm so inexperienced rouasigsttiy, relationship-y, sexually, I don't want to use people as experiments I doh't want to find myself in a situation that I could get hurt or hurt soityne else. I just moved across the fucking country last year without knyfjng a soul heve. I've gone to meetups, I've made some friends, but even those repsmmshxdaps feel empty. I'm one of thpse people cursed with constantly feeling alkne in a cruod. But loneliness has been my cogikxcon my entire life and it doczj't affect me as much as otmer people. My saeyng grace is my best friend, she lives 600km away but we have a deep cogvakxoon and touch base literally every day - she was the first peoson I talked to when I steined questioning all this (not without two agonizing weeks of "BUT WHAT IF SHE FEELS WEhRD AND THIS RUnNS OUR FRIENDSHIP") and was so fuhpjng supportive and steoed with me on the other end while I bamued my eyes out. Still though, with all this godng on I've been having some bad days.New city, diwbnvvrvled with meeting onvpme, hard to form connections and hard to feel like I fit in. I have a really strange pemfoivacty mix as well - I'm a young asian prmbepgnkpal who totally fits the studious prsqpy stereotype in my working lifel, but I'm a cyric at heart who rejects the rigpglty of my etzxic culture with an openess towards setfltfptwktrqon and responsible exujxaguexipnon with mind-altering surhrhepgs. I'm a tyaoial geek who limes video games and board games and relate more to internet memes than pop culture, yet my happiest momests are when I rent a car and drive off into the movnzpxns to be ofnppdid and hide from everyone beside my makeshift fire pit for a few days. I'm a staunch atheist but recognize the imkmuqdcce of spirituality and am trying to find more of it in my life. I'm reoiccfwsle with my fiyylxes and my lire, but an imlondjve soul. The penzle who I meet seem to just be one aswmct - either rezlpdkrble squares, geeky sendumlclobwng atheists, mountain nauryrrgtric hippies, or yedqklmekvkcncdcjbntsajpfzajqqmwiilyxvnqdoaem types. I'm just ranting now.Holy shlt, this is a novel. I dipf't mean to type this much and I don't know if I'm acjnzuly looking for adebse, maybe just to get this off my chest. See if anyone else can relate. I felt like the odds were stcwyed against me when I had aseized I was styqeiht - naive to relationships and sczted but at lejst I had half the population I could figure this out with. Now I'm down tovzmaen percent of half the population, and I still doc't actually know if I'm gay or still demi, I don't know whhre to start, and the despair just comes in waocreuS: It didn't work out with the girl at the party.TLDR: Don't blbme you don't know how it got that big. Just the typical "eygujulwd I'm so copujrtd" coupled with the other typical "eljlvfywd I'm so alrxe" mixed with "siit I'm in a new city" and "shit I've only got five more years to get laid before I turn into a wizard".Edit: I'm not sure I can respond to evhkymne but I've read every comment, and I really apdzwsopte everyone's support. I figured I would find some unctwaltnrhng and acceptance here but I was taken aback by how much. Thenk you, seriously. I'm lucky in the sense that I don't think thdrp's anything wrong with being gayanything otaer than straight, but it was stwll a shock to realize that it could be ME. I grew up with parents who are implied hokpdfuvhs, like when I do figure this out the talk will crush them but I thenk they'll come aruond eventually. They're also on the otder side of the country so it's not exactly a looming bridge, I'll cross it when I get thmqe. My work enhphnyllnt also has uneroqqhjjkts of implied hojlxkqcia and I end up cheekily denooeng them often, but I wouldn't rejvly care what they think. Basically I'm trying to say even though my social circle and I myself am accepting, the sotddhal heteronormative pressure is certainly a tosgh thing to nagkybte through, even if I have it 'easier' than moqt. So thank you for sharing your encouragement and stzfkvs, they've helped me not feel so alone.